Obviously everyone knows the Conservatives got in again with a Minority Government.

To those of you who dread the news, check out this short video from The Mercer Report to lighten your mood. =]

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So I wasn't feeling to great yesterday, and I felt like I was coming down with yet another cold (fourth since February). I kept waking up all night, and I heard my dad moving around upstairs, and I knew that he couldn't sleep as well.

In my dream, I woke up in my bed, and felt sorta sick, still having the sore throat that I had all day. I had no energy, and struggled just to get out of bed, and felt light headed, as though I was going to pass out. (All this has happened to me before...hence why I thought it was real)

I crawled on the ground, opened my bedroom door, and saw my dad laying on the cough. I whispered something like "Dad, you awake? I don't feel well." Afterwards, I was near him having a conversation, hoping we wouldn't wake my mom up. I went to the bathroom, but there was pee all over the seat, and I was like what the hell dad...So i cleaned it up. After that, I went back to bed.

The reason I knew the dream wasn't reality, was because on the way to the washroom, I was walking on the edge of the wall, feeling dizzy...and that edge is impossible to walk on, because my head would hit the ceiling.

Ahhhh it's weird how dreams can seem so real, especially since it is something that would likely happen.

Hey everyone, my brother John-Rock (yea, that's his real name) and his fiancé Jaimie are having their AWESOME Stag and Doe this month.

Date: March 24th, 2006
Location: Royal Canadian Legion Hall, Morning Star Rd, Welland
Ticket price: 5 dollars

If you're interested, contact me, because I have tickets to sell.
To buy alcohol, you obviously have to be 19+.

Come out, play games, dance, eat food, have fun, win prizes, support my brother and his future wife! Tell your friends.

I'll be happy to see you there!

Hey everyone. I have some pictures of what's left of the house here.
http://picasaweb.google.com/rbilodeau/UncleAndySHouse

From Uncle Andy`s ...

There's going to be a few benefits going as well.
Friday, February 2nd, at the Bridge Pub right beside the Main St Bridge. Corner of Niagara St., Division St Bridge, and Main St. Bridge. 50-50 draws and such.

Also, March 3rd, there will be a Spagetti dinner + dance at the moose lodge. Tickets are $8 and proceeds will go to help my uncle get back on his feet.

Other things are in the works. I'll keep updating.

So....my uncles house burnt down last night... =[
He lost everything...
All his pictures, memories, everything...gone.
The scarf that my deceased grandmother made him...gone..
He didn't have insurance...
He drove to the police station about 5 minutes down the road, because his cellphone was in the house...I guess the police gave the fire department went to the wrong address...took them 45 minutes to get there...when it should only take 10.

You always see it in the paper, but it only really means something to you when it happens to someone you know...and when it does happen, you never know what to do. Be angry? Cry? Pray? Seek help?

We're gonna try to get some fund raisers or something to help him get on his feet...I'll post bulletins and updates if anything comes up..

This is about my new years eve. It's about 9:30AM, and I'm going on about 3 hours of horrid sleep.

The day went as follows: I woke up and went to church around 10, went to grandmas appartment for about an hour, came home, showered, ate, went to work, came home, ate, played frets on fire.

After that, I picked up Jasmine, and her friend Christina. Things were bumming for Jas, but I hopped the night would cheer her up. We arrived at emily's place in the falls near 10.

I somehow became the jester once again, as i danced, sang, did my weird flexible tricks, and other things at peoples requests. Don't get me wrong...I like being able to do those things, they're fun...but I don't like showing off, and having people looking at me like i'm weird.

Things were ok for Jas and Christina, until a total of 4-5 bottles of their booze went missing. I hate pointing fingers, but I did see someone drinking Christinas drinks, and she was new in the crowd...So I said maybe she didn't know it was hers.....

Everyone left around 12:30AM, and I was somewhat confused, because it was supposed to be an all-nighter. I ate some food upstairs, and chatted with emily, her mom, and maria. Her cat kept attacking my foot! What is it with them, hahaha.

Anywho, I ended up leaving with jas and xtina around 1:40, not knowing what to do...Jas said I could just crash there, but there just wasnt really any room.

As soon as I was about to leave Jasmines house, I get a phone call.

From this point on, I'm not using names, because some stuff would be bad to write about the people.

I get a call from a friend from school, she asks me to stop by. Cool, I was just gonna go home to bed anyway. I stop by, and soon after some other people get there. A few friends, and two random boys with them.

I asked if there was an extra blanket, and the person who called me over said I couldnt sleep there. wtf, and the random boys could?

I was about to leave for home, when I realized that I didn't have my house keys. Where were they? AHHHH I took them of at emily's house to breakdance!

I layed on the couch hopping no one would say anything. Guess what? Someone said something. She said I was using the couch and blanket that her and a random guy were gonna use. (not her house, and that guy definitely didnt have authority in there.)

I'm half asleep, and i start hearing noises...."mmmm.....mmmmm....oh yea..."you know, those types of noises....."slurp...slurp"...ARE YOU KIDDING ME. gross. They thought I was sleeping or something? I simply wasn't moving to look because I was afraid of what I might not want to see.

After the grosness, they decide to go to sleep on the other couch. The rando starts snorring RIGHT AWAY....it got worse and worse. I waited at least half an hour before i got up and went to the washroom just to splash my face and try to figure out what the hell i'm supposed to do.

I stood leaning against the door frame, hand over my shoulder grasping my back, trying to figure things out. I could hear him snorring from in the washroom, WITH the door closed. I stood there for about half an hour...It was one of those things in a movie that would show a lot of emotion and emphasize on the persons thoughtsramatic...AND the lights were off.

After that, I sat in the hall, knees bent up, arms on them, head in my arms for about 40 minutes. By this time it was about 5:30AM. I open my eyes to see legs passing by me. Hey, it was that person who invited me over at 2 in the morning...and...without moving, i hear her walk in the washroom, then to her room, then to the fridge for some reason, then back to her room, and closes the door.

You know...If I heard someone snorring like the effin snore king who trains everyone else in the world to snore, because he's clearly the best at it...where was I....If I heard that, and it was my house, and one of my friends was sitting with his head in his hands in the hallway at nearly 6 in the morning...I'd say "hey, crash on my floor, at least you wont hear the snore-king in there."

Of course that didn't happen, because not many people appreciate me, the way I appreciate them.

I moved to sit with my legs crossed, back straight as i could, against the wall, put my hands on my knees, and meditated for about half and hour to an hour. It helped...I stopped being stressed about loosing my keys, and my mind seemed to be more at peace, and I sort of closed the snorring out on and off.

Remember how I said it would be nice to crash on the floor? Well...It wasn't really that nice, because it was the hallway floor, and I had to take my shirt off to use it as a pillow.....and to prevent me from getting head lice.

Around 9, i heard people talkign about me, saying I was stupid to sleep on the hallway floor, and should've gone home...where I had absolutely no way of getting in, because as I told all of them, I LOST MY KEY...besides, someone stole my couch anyway.

I came home, then went to church with my mom and dad. I think that overall, the first half of new years eve was pretty good, but the second half can go to hell.

PS. My knee kills, they need to vaccum their hallway, and that floor was freezing.

PPS. Thanks for the party emily ANDREWS, i love you friend <3.

I got 80, 83, 91, 91, 91 in classes! That's like 87 average. I'm sooo stoked about that! I'm glad, and I really tried hard and had no life, but WHATEVER, hahahaha.

I'm still coughing till 4am all the time and I'm very sleep deprived. My bloodshot eyes are proof of this.

Past few days have been sweet.

Exams and all went good last week...had a family christmas party and tried the nintendo wii. Played a 9-hole game of golf and won with only 1 over par. =]

Went to boston pizza with a bunch of friends from walmart last weekend, had a ball!

Manye and i hung out for a day and went christmas shopping, then met up with another walmart group and we bowled. I was doing ok, and then manye was doing better, but then i learnt how to curve the ball all fancy like and WHAMMY, i was leading the last game...but then our three hours were up and we left...again, going to boston pizza...home at 2am, haha...Excellent night, and excellent hangout (street love!!)

In grade 12, and my first year of college, during winter exams, I got sick. So sick that BOTH times, I passed out in the bathroom. Last year, I hit my head on the toilet, and was comming in and out of counciousness for over an hour, in the middle of the night. My mom found me in a cold sweat the next morning with a big fever. In highschool i took my exams a few days later, but in college, i toughed it out and got my dad to drive me to school, and did my exam.

What what? It's happening again this year. This time, once again, it's starting with a headache, fever, and a sore throat. You know, the kind that feels like theres somethign sharp going down every time you swallow. (If you laughed at swallow, then you're a big dooche)

I hope it doesnt happen again! I have two more exams....the two MOST important exams. My brother (a genius) said that when you're stressed or worried, it lowers your immune system, ad since it's cold/flu season, it makes it really easy to catch something. Now I think that being sick is stressing me more than taking the exams themselves.

Sooo....

This Blows.

So I decided that it's really uncool to like someone, and have that person like you back, then have her tell you that she cant see you because of almost 3 years difference, then see her and one of your good friends (who's also your age) with each others names in hearts on msn and myspace.

Whatever..*shakes head*

So...The past weekend was intense.

friday: 9am-2pm film shoot 45 mins away. back to welland for class. 4pm-10pm, continued film shoot.

saturday: worked 9-5, picked up people, and went to the film shoot. it was dark, cold, raining, windy, and snowing. We didn't finish till nearly 7am sunday morning, then i drove people home in welland.

sunday: got home at 7:30, went to bed for about 4 hours, got up and showered (thank God), went to shoot a hockey game till 11pm. Came home, finished the philosophy paper.

SO. HOW I ALMOST DIED.

On the way to scottys saturday night, a deer was no more than two feet from my car.
My car was full with: Fabi, Nadine, Meighan, me, and Colin.
We were going about 90km down a country road, because we had previously missed a road, and were catching up on lost time.

So...basically...i was going, meighan screamed, i saw a big white animal (highbeams = white) from the corner of my eye, and screamed too. If i was going just a bit slower, it would have jumped right into me...it was literally right beside me in mid jump...

I laughed and screamed, then decided that i needed to stop. I was getting dizzy, so i pulled over and my chest was numb. It was weird...So scary...I'm glad everyone is ok.

Holy jeez...it just keeps playign back in my head.

I gotta work in a bit...i'm so tired.

I was actually trying to write ideas for a script for my film class, but this happened instead.

Totally un re-read and unrevised. My random thoughts and some of my philosophy on life.

The philosopher arthur schopenhower said that life is meaningless. so i thought if the oposite of life is death, then death has a meaning. and the meaning of death - assuming life has no meaning - is to destroy all things with no meaning. basically death cleans up the useless. or maybe the point of life is for death to have a meaning.

i try to see life like a maze. you're always trying to find something, and when you just think you're there, you get stopped by a wall or an obstacle. the entrance to the maze is birth, the end of the maze is death. in the maze you can have fun, you can be scared, you can have moments of despair, just like in life. in the maze you're looking for the exit, and some cheat in finding it by jumping over the walls - this is suicide. you can't jump the maze, because you're supposed to follow its laws. you cant commit suicide, because you shouldn't play God. in a maze, you may be hopeful to find something, then right when you think you found it, you realize that you're just further from what you wanted.

when i'm going through a hard time in life, i like to almost empty my mind. clear my thoughts. and try to push everything aside to make two walls, with a path in between where i can think clearly. each wall represents the good and the bad of the situation. as i'm walking down this path, i analyze what should be done logically, yet still emotionaly. then i try to cope with my problem, and even though i know it may take a while to get over it, i will try to accept it and just get on with life.

when experiencing a troubled situation, i look at life like this. take this for instance. what is present? what is time? time is simply a means for humans to have structure, and to comprehend daily deeds. the human mind can only understand things that have a begining and an end. everything else is beyond it. if there is no begining and end, then time is actually irrelevant. you take an hour and break it down to minutes. you break down minutes to seconds. there. if i say that i'm living in the present, what does that mean? what does the present signify? a specific moment in time? but seconds can still be narrowed down to milliseconds and nanoseconds and it can always keep going smaller and smaller. it cant be measured in molecules, atoms, neutrons or protons. so what is this present that everyone speaks of? and the future, where is it? what is the past? the past is simply memories. lets say for instance that someones past isnt actually real. what if their entire life, they were sleeping, and that everything they imagined was simply somehow fed into their mind, somethign like the matrix. then one day everyone was stratigically placed in the same place that their mind-game placed them, and that everyone simultaneously turned on. you think you know your past, but do you really? and the future, it never seems to come. everyone's waiting for it. i know i am. I know that I'm always awaiting the future in this endless present.

I was once in the middle of toronto, outside during a horrible storm. I had no idea what to do. That day I learnt to have a different look on life. I realized that in a day, I would be back home, and that this present time would simply be but a memory. It made the present seem unimportant. At the time i wished that I could simply close my eyes and open them, adn be home, but the only way for that to happen would be to lose my memory the whole time between that moment, and the moment of my return. This wasnt possible, but i still felt happier knowing that soon, it wouldnt even matter, because it was just a picture in my mind.


Would a world of happiness really be that great? Sure, everyone would be smiling, but what is happiness without appreciation? How could happiness exist without that? How can appreciation exist without sadness. People usually appreciate things more when they've been on the other end of the scale. If you were sad, then you'd realize that what you had when somethign good happened was amazing, and you'd appreciate it, and be happy about it. Would a world that never had a war appreciate everything more? I don't think so. Happiness doesnt exist without sadness. Everything must have it's opposite to make sense, so that there can be balance in the world.

I don't often remember my dreams....mostly because my sleep has become thin and scarce in the past years...I used to be a deep sleeper...

I've slept through fire alarms
Thunder storms
The dryer blowing up
and more.

This was all when I was a kid. Now...it seems as though I awake with the lightest footstep.

Anyway...this dream I had...I was outside...and there were hundreds of people gathered...I believe it was nighttime. Everyone was gathered for my birthday (or something)....they were all so happy and in a very festive mood; yet it seemed like I didn't exist. I had a notebook with me...I don't know what it was for, but all i remember is walking on a small hill, where there were lots of people. I was going to sit beside a girl who had black hair (I honestly have no idea who it was), because she seemed nice. But I decided to sit in the middle of the hill, where no one was, about to write notes in the book...

Then I woke up. My sister was on the phone.

It's four in the AM.
and you are feeling sick
You're my girl, my heart
You made me feel so...

ill pour a bath if you want
ill give a massage if you're sore
ill make you tea or soup
so you can feel all better

you resist my help
you can't adapt to me
i care for you so much
You made me feel so...

ill turn a fan on if you're hot
ill give you blankets if you're cold
ill give you medicine if you're sick
ill show you my love is bold


just don't ask for me to drive you
miles and miles away
I'd fall asleep at the wheel
and that wouldn't be great

You made me feel so...
You made me feel so...

You made me feel so
unappreciated





This song was inspired by a certain someone who i went out with. Make your own assumptions.

Ok...I think that I'm out of that 1-2 week long rut. I hope so anyway.

On tuesday, I was feeling kinda refreshed, but still kinda bummed.

Yesterday (wednesday) I was feeling good about myself, and was doing some readings and doing homework, then worked out a bit. Carla told me to come over...I hadn't eaten or showered yet, but she told me to come anyway...so finished exercising, showered, and went over. She gathered a few people and they had pizza and cake for me! AHHHH. I love love love them for doing that.

I worked, and it was slow, but I learnt to do some new things, so that was cool.
I got home and had chili, so I had a hard time sleeping...which sucked. AHH

Today school was good. My teacher always makes the production technology class pretty fun. Then I got presents for my brother (anchorman and a shirt from arlies) and got myself NEW SHOES!!!




I like them soooo much. They're unlike any shoe I've had. They arent the traditional black skate shoe, they look kinda like a skate version of a classy dancer guy shoe, but look kiddie cause of the velcro on the top...kinda like a white gangsta shoe, with the black lines that yell "WHAT WHAT? I AINT NO GANGSTA FOOL!"

best of all...i got them 70% off for only $20! =]

ahhhh.

I added some new pictures on myspace, and I'm changing my profile a bit...I'm feeling very refreshed, and I'm getting a fresh start on life.

New job, no relationship restraints (as I said before...I liked kat, but she was unreliable with plans), schools going well, and I got some new toys =]. Flowboard, 250gb external harddrive (came with tuition), new shoes, shirts....AND I GET TO MAKE SWEET COMMERCIALS ON SMARTIES. I already have all the ideas done, they're gonan be so sweet. =]

Ahhhh. I hope I stay this positive.

"...don't spend too much time making the darker feelings go away. You can be real and honest, and others will still like you..."

That's my horoscope for today...and I must say...it certainly applies to me. This was one of the worst birthdays ever. My birthday was Monday, September 25th.


I worked fri, sat, sun, mon...so where was my time to celebrate?
Friday, after school, I had to sink about $300 in my car for repairs...bleh.

Kat and I got in an argument, cause there was a misunderstanding on both of our parts, making us not be able to hang out for three weeks minimum. I was saying that I had said "so we wont be able to hang out till the weekend of the 30th?"..where she agreed a few days before. Then she said she had a frat party to go to...which is why I thought she was staying in Hamilton this weekend. That's what she was telling me the whole time. "I'm so excited for the frat party next weekend"....it's kinda bad when you'd rather go to a frat party with a bunch of people you dont know, instead of see your boyfriend who'e trying so hard to make the relationship work, and drive two hours out of his way, to see you for just a couple hours out of the couple weeks you havent seen each other.

SO...she just said "k", went offline, and avoided talkign to me all weekend. THATS JUST DANDY.

So as I was sick, going into work Sunday morning, after closing the night before...I was wondering if I really should put up with this. She was unreliable wiht plans right from the start, and I NEED reliability.

My family seriously means the world to me...Friday night, my mom was making dinner, but it was almost time for me to go and it wasn't ready yet...I was agravated with kat, and kinda flinchy like "hurry...mom common i gotta go in like 5 minutes. i have to eat!"......... I'm such a fucken prick..

As I'm shoving this hot food in my mouth, which is so hot its burning it and making me almost tear up, I notice an enveloppe under my plate. My mom goes "looks like you have some mail"....

No stamp, no address...I look inside.

My parents gave me just what I needed..It's not the money that was in the enveloppe to help me pay for my car repairs, which I KNEW they couldn't really afford that I'm talking about....It's their unconditional love. 'Happy early birthday'...they stood beside me...and I just looked at my dad and gave him a great big hug...and turned to my mom and gave her a hug...it was hard to hold the tears back...I felt so vulnerable...

Sunday night, after work, my family gathered for my birthday. Meat-pie, potatoes, chicken, corn, salad...a great dinner it was. A few presents, pictures, and a round of hugs of thanks for everyone. I'm so thankful that I have such a great family.

I came downstairs and went on msn to see if Kat was gonna talk yet. I was talking to Jessica at the time, then kat started talking. I say to jess 'yep we're breaking up'....the words hadnt been said yet, but it was so obvious. Kat didn't want to continue...and deep down, neither did I.

You see...I'm the type of guy that likes to try and try, even when it seems like there's no hope. I don't like being the baror of bad news, and I like to think I can adjust to anyone, in any situation...I like to give chances...and I do know that's a weak point...I give too many. I like her, but there wasn't that spark. I had that spark with a few people before, but not with her. I though to myself, that maybe if we could see each other more, it would happen, but it didn't. Kat was waiting for it too...it never came. So we decided that maybe just staying friends was the way to go.

On my actual birthday, I went to school, a few people remembered, came home, ate dinner alone, and went to work.

Ok. recap.
sick, work all weekend and birthday, car repairs, stressed the weekend cause kat wasnt talking, kat and i break up.



Tuesday...today. I wanted to celebrate my birthday tonight...woulda been nice I thought...after all, my 18th and 19th birthdays turned to crap when everyone decided that they had other plans the last minute...

This is what ended up happening. Got andy, sean, holly, tino. Drove to walmart for andy to look at phones, then to tinos bank cause he needed money, then to dairy queen for sean. (That was good, he got me something). Went to the mall for andy to look for a hat. Looked around zellers which was cool... Drove to Macs cause andy needed smokes, then drove tino home cause he had to meet a girl. Drove to wendys cause andy had to meet with steph, then drove them to andys place after getting MORE smokes (ugh...cigs are icky). Then drove around with sean and holly trying to figure out what to do...couldnt think of anything GOOD, so i dropped them off and came here.

So what was that? I was basically a taxi all night. Sure we had some laughs, but still...it was supposed to be a fun night with food and possible movies and bowling or something..

What am I doing...

So kat and i broke up. like...we liked each other, but there wasnt that spark, you know? ...she brought it up, but we both pretty much agreed we couldnt see it becoming anything longterm, so it was pretty much mutual.

like...i liked to think that we didn't have the spark cause we just didnt spend enough time together...but i think that we just weren't meant to be.

shortest relationship ever

This is such a shitty day. Instead of rain falling from the sky there should be terds of crap flying everywhere, going on everyones houses and cars. All that shit comming out of their stupid brown poop clouds, and falling on all these poopy people. Stupid poop flying everywhere and everyone looks like shit cause they're covered in it due to the fact that its such a poopy crappy day....Ground all covered in poop..fire hydrants...schools...recess would be inside and everyone would be in the bathroom cleaning poop out of their hair and ears...everyone smelling like shit and poop...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I like when I say something and it catches on...Makes me feel like I'm almost as influencial at movies like ANCHORMAN and all NAPOLEON DYNAMITE.

Stuff like "homeworking" for doing homework, and "working it out" for working out....THESE THINGS CATCH AND I NOW SEE PEOPLE SAYIGN THEM ALL THE TIME...and I'm like "I started that!! =]" and they're all like "No you didn't, you liar." hahahahahah. meh.

In other thoughts....don't you love when you're in the bathroom, and just by stroke of luck, the last piece of toilet paper is the last piece you need, and all the panic suddenly disappears? That happened today and I was like "HA! take that you stupid toilet paper role. I BEAT YOU"

about the future...

I mean, I love what I'm getting into, but the field or tv and film production is so unpredictable...

Sure, I love suprises, but I do like a certain level of predictability.

I might get a job, I might not.

I might be able to stay in the region, province, or even country...but I might not have a choice.

Sure I want to travel, I want to explore...and maybe this is what will happen...but I just like doing it on my time, by my terms...ahhhhhh.

I want to be a kid again...growing up happened too fast. I'm almost 20 and even though I have many responsabilities, I'm still just a kid inside.

JUST TODAY, I laughed when the teacher said "number two"...like...who does that? I'm just an immature little kid inside of a tall, stunning, slim kids exterior. -- eyyyyyyy ;)

sigh....


in other news, KAT and i have been official since august 26th, it's my birthday sept 25th, school's going pretty good, and i jsut started working in the photolab saturday. yipee

I think everyone should go read John-Micheals profile. Even if you don't know him, you'll see that he was a really good kid. http://www.myspace.com/johnmichealmartin

I wont bother explaining what happened, because you can just go look at these two articles from the Welland Tribune written up the past few days.

http://www.wellandtribune.ca/webapp/sitepages/content.asp?contentid=122344&catname=Local+News&classif

http://www.wellandtribune.ca/webapp/sitepages/content.asp?contentid=124045&catname=Local%20News&classif=

Here's a song i wrote the night i found out what had happened.




and here's a video of him...a happy time =]. (its in french)

This really...is still so shocking and hard to believe. Its so hard to comprehend...because it seems like fate, or life, or death, has really made a mistake, and took the wrong person.

I know nothing i'm saying is gonna change anything...but man...w t f.

that's all....read his profile and his comments.